Tuesday, March 30, 2010

6 Impossible Things

I'm in an Alice in Wonderland mood... so here are 6 Impossible Things that I plan to make very possible indeed!

1. I will live in Ireland for a summer.
2. My writing will be published.
3. I will have an apartment in the city.
4. I will go on one of those crazy road trips that every person should experience at least once in their lives.
5. I will perform as a trained belly dancer.
6. I will speak another language fluently.

And now here are 6 things that I once thought were impossible but I've already made very much possible.

1. I will be in a relationship.
2. I'll have a tattoo.
3. I'll travel to Europe.
4. Yoga will be one of my hobbies.
5. Somewhere, an ocean will carry my message in a bottle.
6. I'll be able to do military push ups.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Faltered Reflection.

I can't find words to write (which is surprising to me), so I'll say it with a self-portrait.

Monday, March 8, 2010

I Remember.

Spring has come, and I die a little inside remembering the days when life seemed so much simpler and full of joy. "These are the best days of your life." they say. Well they lied. Looking back on my life so far, I divide my time into two categories: Before 2008 and After 2008. That's the year it all began. This freefall into the universe's black hole and my desperate struggle to climb back out and float once more amongst the stars. Those were the stars I used to go to bed with at night, when life had been kind enough to keep my faith alive. I remember those times when the sky held endless possibilities and summer lasted forever. Sadness hadn't yet disrobed for me and crawled under my covers like an oldtime lover. I could listen to a cello wail without feeling like the bow was being dragged across my heartstrings.

Now the music wails, the atmosphere wails, I wail. And I wonder if I'll ever know a love that doesn't fill me with such immense dispair. I remember how swollen my heart felt when you told me what you loved about different people, and how I fell short. I remember how much I wanted to cry - because I felt so alone and even worse, I agreed with you.

Sometimes I wish someone would take me by my shoulders, tell me to take off my stupid fucking mask, and let me cry into their arms about everything I haven't been given the chance to cry about before. I'm tired of feeling like the stray dog, the alley cat with the battered tail. Sometimes I want to lay down on the filthy New York City streets and stare up at the sky, watching clouds go by. I need a piece of pure, natural beauty to inhale me away from the dirty, rotten stink I've been sniffing for so long. I don't want to let myself become so numb to the point where falling down the stairs will feel the same as strolling through the garden.

What does it feel like to not be abandoned?

Monday, March 1, 2010


I'm too young to be thinking about kids - nor do I want them anytime soon - but if and when I'm a mother I'm making a promise to myself (and my future kids) here and now that I'm going to be the best damn mother I can be. I'm not going to choke them with opression and insecurities the way I was choked. I know many of you reading this know me as the girl who wore whatever she wanted...but there's so much more to that which I never speak about. It's a river that runs deep, but I'm not getting into that here. And besides, that's not the purpose of this entry.

The point is, if I have children, I'm going to hug them and kiss them and tell them that I am so completely and fully proud of them. I'm going to encourage them to follow their dreams, love fully, and never be afraid to be themselves. I will read them stories, play a wide variety of music for them and encourage them to discover their gifts and nourish them regularly. If they want to write, I'll lead them to paper and a pen. If they're interested in astromony, I will show them the moon and the stars. If they feel like having a green mohawk, who am I to stand in their way?

I will NEVER make my children feel like their needs are second to my own, nor will I make them feel like they're my Barbie doll or my project. I will make them feel like valuable human beings who deserve the best in the world. And I will hope that they don't settle for crap.

I promise myself and I promise them that they will be loved for who they are - not for who I "want" them to be. And I will not reject them or make them feel worthless if/when they trip and fall.